


I've always known you

by Ghost_droid



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Other, Pre-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, gender neutral reader
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-30
Updated: 2018-03-26
Packaged: 2018-09-20 20:59:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9515690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ghost_droid/pseuds/Ghost_droid
Summary: You and Ben solos story before and after he becomes Kylo ren





	1. Crown of petals

**Author's Note:**

> Hope y'all enjoy this, I pre wrote a bunch of chapter so should be updated every once in a while

It started with a warm day on a planet with three moons.

Ben solo was a small child then, not fully aware of his power just yet. His mother and father were having a small get together outside their home, his uncle Luke and his uncle Lando were visiting, chatting with his father as his mother allowed him to wander in their expansive yard.  
He was content with the day, they had all played cards together at lunch while his uncle Luke spoke of the success of his young padawans. Ben thought at the time it would be fun to be a Jedi like his uncle but he had no such desire to leave his home and his mother just yet.  
He was growing bored digging a hole with a stick, the lack of attention was getting to him, maybe he could convince Chewie to play for a little while-  
Ben's attention was caught by a rustling in the trees. The small thicket behind his home was forbidden territory for the young Solo unless accompanied, but everyone looked too preoccupied.  
Ben didn't step out of line often, he was going to ignore it until the rustling came back and his curiousity got the best of him.  
His mother's attention was on Luke so Ben took this time to make his getaway.  
A certain Wookie noticed the young Solo wandering away and made his way over to see what had him rushing off.  
“Grgaah?”  
Ben noticed he had company as he started on a path into the woods  
“There's something in here, I wanna see it.”  
“Grhnnah!”  
“Well maybe it won't be so dangerous if you come with me.”  
Chewie knew there was no way of stopping a Solo once they got their mind set on something, so he agreed, and the two were off to investigate.

The light shone through the spaces in the trees, the further they went they began to hear more rustling and children's laughter.  
Ben felt nervous at the thought of other kids showing up, he never had many friends since his mother was a public dignitary and his father being a smuggler he never had a lot of time to make that sort of bond.  
He'd seen some of these kids before when his mother had taken him into town, he felt nervous as he and the wookie approached, seeing them play.  
The eight year old's eyes trailed to one of the smaller figures, they didn't seem to be having as much fun as the older children. He watched you call out to an older boy.  
“Jonas, I want to go home!”  
The boy who he suspected was your brother groaned in annoyance as he broke off from his friends.  
“(Y/n) you begged to come out with us.”  
“You told mom you were going to the fountains, I'm gonna tell, you know we're not supposed to play here!”  
The older kids snickered at your whining, Jonas blushed with embarrassment, this called for a little persuasion  
“Are you a baby (Y/n)?”  
You sniffed and shook your head  
“No, you're a big kid right?”  
You nodded  
“Well if you're a big kid and you wanna play with the big kids that means you can't whine and tell on us, got it?”  
“Okay..”  
“Okay, now why don't you go pick some of those flowers, you'd like that wouldn't you?”  
You nodded and Ben watched you wander away, he and Chewie were still out of sight, they both knew people shouldn't be here as this was private property but he wanted to try being social for once.  
Chewie thought Ben would flock to the older boys but Ben made a beeline towards you.  
You were busy picking flowers into a little bouquet, he wasn't sure how to start talking to you.  
“H-hi..”

You squeaked in surprise as a boy appeared from the brush.  
You felt like you'd seen him before but you weren't quite sure, he looked a little older than you but not quite the same age as your brother.  
Usually you would have ran to Jonas, you tended to be afraid of new people, but something about this boy's expression said ‘I mean no harm’.  
“Hi..who are you?”  
He sat down and watched you begin weaving the flowers together before answering you.  
“I'm Ben, what are you doing with those millaflowers?”  
You smiled as you presented your unfinished work  
“I'm making a flower crown, I like to make them because my grammy taught me how.”  
He nodded as he watched you continue, your small fingers were clumsy but the crown was coming along nicely.  
“So why are you in the woods Ben?”  
“I could ask you the same thing.”  
You giggled and he couldn't help but smile at you.

He knew Chewie was probably watching, his mother was likely beginning to notice their absence. He would've gotten up and headed home, but you were talking and he wasn't quite ready to leave yet.  
“My brother said he'd take me to the fountains, it's like this super pretty place with bunches of flowers and plants, I know there's a lot already but it's also got these water fountains.”  
You huffed  
“But he took me to the woods instead.”  
He felt bad that you'd been disappointed, you looked really excited talking about the place  
“I'm sorry you didn't get to go.”  
You smiled at him and his ears felt hot  
“You're nice Ben, the other older kids usually don't like to talk to me.”  
“Well that's I don't see why.”  
You blushed at that, as you finished your flower crown your brother noticed your new companion.  
“Hey kid! Who are you? (Y/n) get over here!”  
Your eyes widened in surprise, Ben didn't want you to go.  
“I'll see you later Ben...here! You can have this, I think it would look really pretty on you.”  
You placed the crown upon his head of dark curls and scurried away with your brother looking warily back at him.  
Ben's mother wasn't too happy with him for wandering off, there would be no dessert after dinner for him tonight, but he couldn't help but smile as he saw the wreath of flowers upon his head as his reflection caught in the window.  
A friend had given him these, and he hoped to see you again.


	2. Searching in a Maze of Fountains

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben finds himself in a place you described and hopes to find you

It was a few weeks after you and Bens encounter in the woods, his mother was going to lunch with a friend to discuss things he was unsure of.  
His crown of flowers had long died and dried, he was saddened by the loss, but as he realized where he and his mother were going it was soon forgotten.  
Your vague description materialized before him, tables were around full of people, flowers everywhere, and of course an abundance of fountains.  
His mother allowed him to explore, he instantly went on the hunt for you.  
In his eight year old mind Ben understood there had been a very slim chance of you being here, his search was fruitless, you had been nowhere to be seen, you were one of the few people he could see himself being friends with and he just couldn't find you again.  
He sat on the ledge of a green fountain, the water was semi clear, lily pads floated in the giant basin, he sighed disappointed with the day.  
“Ben?”  
His ears perked up immediately, hopeful he turned around to see you in front of him, a basket full of various flowers.  
“(Y/n).”  
“I didn't know you'd be here today!”  
You hopped up on the ledge next to him, your feet dangled as you sat, Ben chuckled, he'd always been an abnormally tall child so he did not have the same issue.  
“I searched all over for you, I just had a feeling you were here.”  
“Well lucky for you, I come here a lot.”  
He was lucky indeed, you two decided to walk around together. You told him the names of flowers he pointed out, you showed him your favorite fountains, you talked a bit more than him but he was okay with that, he'd always been more a listener, and he could listen to you for hours if you'd let him.  
Eventually the two of you ran into his mother.  
“Ben honey, i see you've made a friend!”  
Ben felt embarrassed holding your hand mixed with his mother's cooing, she always encouraged him to be social but he had always had a hard time with it, so of course she was excited to see him like this.  
You looked at his mother in awe, sometimes he almost forgot that she was a princess known throughout the galaxy.  
Almost.  
She kneeled down to your level  
“It's lovely to meet you, and you are?”  
“I'm (Y/n)”  
That seemed to be all you could push out, she shook your little hand  
“Well (Y/n), I'm Leia organa, I'm Ben’s mother, thank you so much for spending time with him today.”  
You smiled and nodded shyly holding Ben's hand a little tighter.  
“(Y/n)?”

You turned as your own mother approached with your brother in tow, he was covered in dirt which indicated he was likely in for a switching when you got home.  
Leia stood at her full height greeting your mother, awe plain on her face as well.  
“(Y/n) is welcome to come to our home to see Ben anytime, he's always such a lone wolf this one it's nice to see he has a friend.”  
“Moooom”  
Ben’s ears burned with embarrassment as your mother chuckled.  
“I'm sure (Y/n) would love to, it was a pleasure meeting you Ms. Organa.”  
“Please, call me Leia and the pleasure is all mine.”

You waved goodbye to Ben but not before slipping a Rominaria flower into his coat pocket, the powdery scent wafted into his nose as you rushed off once again.  
“We could invite them over for a play date, wouldn't that be fun?”  
Ben groaned when she said play date, he was almost nine now, he was outgrowing such childish terms  
“It's called hanging out mom.”  
Leia grinned and nodded as her son corrected her  
“Of course, my mistake."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all will be a bit older after these next few chapters bare with me lol


	3. Boldness in Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are changing in more ways than one

You did come over, quite often over the years.  
Ben still didn't interact with many people, but you were different, he was just turning 13 and he still couldn't think of anyone he'd rather be friends with other than you.  
You on the other hand had become a social butterfly, older and younger kids alike would say hello and talk with you when you two walked into town.  
You'd always bring him along, most people questioned your choice of Ben Solo of all people for company. You'd think he'd be more popular being the son of Leia organa and Han Solo but this was not the case.  
He was tall and lanky, his dark hair kept long to cover his large ears. He was a very awkward boy and seemed to be the perfect target for teasing, but the town's kids knew better than to pick fun at Ben Solo.  
As he got older Ben developed some temper issues, mostly because he had many things that tormented him, things even you didn't know.  
Voices had whispered to him at all times since he was a child, he couldn't remember a time when they weren't there.  
He couldn't tell his mother, or you, or anyone for that matter, you'd all think he was crazy.  
On top of that his parents were slowly drifting apart, his mother was a lot more absent and his father was amongst the stars doing maker knows what. They thought he couldn't see it, but he was always the most susceptible to people's emotions.  
Holding in all of this pain caused him to have angry, sometimes even violent outbursts.  
After the first few fights that ended in bruises and bloody knuckles, people learned to leave him be.  
He expected you to be afraid, everyone else was after a time, but you knew better.

No matter how scary other people made him out to be, Ben would always be a soft hearted star gazer to you.  
You tried your hardest to sate Ben’s loneliness, his father still visited everyone once and awhile, his parents still loved each other you both could see it, but there was just too much driving them apart for them to stay together.  
Ben was sure he was part of it, Ben had known he was force sensitive since he was young, his mother knew before he was even born, but he never knew just how powerful he was.  
A few months ago he found out, in a fit of rage he destroyed the thicket behind his home,the trees were torn out by the roots, everything was just wrecked by the time he was done, you had witnessed it and it utterly terrified you seeing what he could do.  
You told him you'd stay by his side but they were sending him away to study the Jedi code with his uncle, you didn't want him to go and he didn't want to leave but he had no choice, that much power could not go untamed.  
There was going to be a going away party at the end of the month, but you were both too bitter to be excited. You snuck out to meet Ben, you two had a special spot between your two homes.  
The lake was so clear, you both just sat their with your feet wading in the water, there was a lump in your throat and Ben could tell you were miserable, he didn't need to be force sensitive to see that.

Ben wasn't sure how to describe how he felt about you, things definitely felt different between the two of you but he couldn't quite put his finger on it.  
He just began to notice more things about you, like how your baby fat had fallen away from your face, you weren't as short as you used to be, definitely no giant like him but normal.  
He knew you both were growing up, and he was going to have to leave you to do it alone.  
“Ben..”  
you took his hand, never looking away from the water  
“I know, but I have to go even if we hate it.”  
That's when the tears started, you'd begun crying a lot more lately, he found himself tearing up as well, wishing he didn't cause you so much pain.  
“Please don't cry.. I don't want to remember you red eyed and snotty (Y/n).”  
You laughed mid sob as he wrapped his arms around you.  
“You're my best friend Ben Solo, I don't know what I'm going to do without you here.”  
He smiled and rubbed your back  
“You got more friends than you know what to do with, I think you'll figure it out.”  
“I could have all the friends in the galaxy and none of them could replace you Ben.”  
It was a cheesy notion but it still meant a lot to him because he knew you were being genuine.

The party came and went, you stopped crying and faced the fact that Ben would be gone by the time you woke up the next morning.  
You snuck out in the early hours of the morning, you felt bad waking him up when he already had to be up early to begin with but you needed to say your final goodbyes.  
Even disheveled and groggy from sleep you still thought Ben was beautiful, you weren't sure when you started feeling this was towards him but things had definitely changed between you.  
“(Y/n) you know I have to be up and leave soon.”  
You gulped, still saddened by the thought  
“I know Ben but I wanted to to be absolutely alone when I say goodbye to you.”  
Luke has assured both of you that padawans were allowed to write and even visit home for holidays but it he would still be gone far too much for you.  
“I made you this, if you ever miss me or need to feel calm, this will symbolize me being by your side even if I cannot be.”  
You spent hours trying to make it, after many failed molds you'd finally made the perfect one.

It was a simple leather rope with a resin pendant, inside lie a small faux millaflower.  
Ben smiled, even as you grew older and swore your obsession with them was over, you and flowers always went hand in hand in his mind.  
“Nice to see you staying consistent (Y/n).”

You blushed and smiled, old habits die hard, the flower had meaning to you two, it was what you'd made your first flower crown for him out of, it brought a feeling of calmness to those around its fragrant scent, something Ben needed at times. He'd never had a favorite flower but you knew he liked receiving them from you, because he knew it mean he was in your thoughts.  
“Please tell me you'll write.”  
“As often as I can, but I'll be training to be a Jedi so who knows how often that will be.”  
“Promise you won't go off being best friends with some cooler Padawans?”  
“There could be some of the coolest padawans at that academy and none of them could compare to what we have (Y/n).”  
This hurt more than anything had in your short life, you'd miss Ben, his soft spokenness and reserve, the dark humor that could only be his own you've come to know and love would leave a void in your heart.  
“Goodbye (Y/n).”  
You swallowed the lump in your throat, the morning light was reaching across the sky and it gave you the courage to do something bold.  
You kissed Ben's cheek and took in the sight of his shocked face for what you knew would be the last time for a long time.  
“Goodbye Ben.” 


	4. Reunion and Surprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You have been apart too long

  
Ben had been in the Jedi academy for quite some time now, he worked very hard on his training, he was sure if he could take control of his power he'd be able to graduate sooner. 

“ ** _Or_** _**you**_ **_could_ _put_** **_your_ _power_ _to_ _better_** **_use_** **_elsewhere._**.” 

Ben shook his head, as if he could shake the voice out of his head, ignoring him, Snoke he called himself, was becoming harder and harder but he could manage.  
He had visited home since he'd been here, but only as many times as he could count on his fingers, he hadn't been home at all last year or the first half of this one. You weren't too happy to say the least, you tried to write him every two weeks, but you hadn't written him for a whole month when he had told you his decision to stay over the holidays to focus on his training. You eventually caved and started writing him again, all was right in the world.  
It looked like he would do it again this year, but his mother had convinced him to come for his birthday at least.  
He decided to surprise you with his return, he didn't mention it at all, he felt giddy like a kid to see you as he boarded the shuttle to take him home.  
He'd be there a week, uncle Luke was generous, as Ben was already far ahead of all the other padawans at the temple. He arrived late in the night, his mother taking him home.  
“I have something for us to do tomorrow.”  
She had told him as he ate a late dinner  
“What is it?”  
“You'll see.”

You sighed as you stared into the night air, you had adjusted to life without Ben, it had been hard at first and you did miss him quite often still even after all this time, but you were a little mad at him.  
He chose to stay at the temple instead of visiting home,instead of seeing you.  
He'd been so adamant on not leaving years ago and now it seemed like he didn't want to come back, it frustrated and saddened you. His letters helped sate craving for him but you wanted to see him, it felt like you were forgetting the sound of his voice and the curl of his dark locks.  
You were being silly, you'd never forget Ben, but how much had he changed? You definitely did not retain the childish features you had the last time he had come to visit. People definitely noticed, your always been friendly with everyone, but as you grew older it seemed you were gaining more suitors than friends. You wonder if he was still here if Ben would be one of them.  
You'd never spoken of the kiss you gave him before he left, chickening out on claiming his lips and pecking his cheek instead, maybe he thought it was platonic, or he hadn't wanted to hurt your feelings.  
It was embarrassing to still have your childhood crush lingering about in the back of your mind, but you couldn't help it, he’d been your best friend for so long, even when he made you mad you couldn't help but love him still. You grumbled and decided mad or not you'd write him something before you went to sleep, you had a big day tomorrow and you wanted to tell him about it.

The next afternoon after not finding you all morning, Ben dressed in his nicer robes and accompanied his mother to the city.  
Where could you be? He'd searched all over for you, he even tried to ask your brother but he'd had no time for him as he sped off on his speeder.  
They found themselves in an outdoor entertainment stage, among the sea of seats the stage was empty as the show had yet to begin. His mother always liked public shows and from the program he received it seemed to be an old alderaanian play, these sort of things never peaked his interest but his mother seemed excited and he guessed that sitting through it wouldn't be too much trouble for him.

The show started, it was long and dreary, with customs Ben didn't fully understand but his mother was ever so helpful leaning over and whispering the details to him, she seemed to enjoy it but he mostly liked the costumes.  
As the sky became dark and the play moved into the next act, lights came on revealing a new character on stage.  
He wasn't sure, could it be?  
“Mom is that..?”  
“(Y/n) invited me to their show and I thought it'd be a treat for both of you if you came along.”  
So it was you, you had definitely grown, he hadn't known you'd taken up public theatre, you didn't mention it in your letters but it seemed very fitting of you as he saw your radiance in the stage lights.  
You were dressed for a traditional alderaan wedding ceremony, the light glittered in your eyes as you spoke.  
Your voice put him in a trance, he didn't realize how much he'd truly missed it, it felt so familiar to his ears yet different, you had changed. You completely captivated him, when had you gone and become this beautiful?  
Maybe you always had been and he'd been too distracted to see it.  
You were to be married in this alderaanian tragedy, but sadly your lover had been killed in a civil war, you refused to remove your wedding robes because your character was convinced that your love would one day come back to you.  
He felt as if you were calling out to him as you begged for their return.

Most of the play became a blur as he focused on you, as it ended you took for your final bows, he tugged his mother along to see you.

You smiled and thanked people for coming with the rest of your cast as you saw him. You’d seen him only in your dreams as of late, your mind played tricks on you since he last left, but as Leia stood next to him you knew he was here in the flesh. Your palms sweated, Ben had always been tall and gangly but he seemed to be growing into himself, he was so handsome, your face grew hot as he took strides towards you.  
“(Y/n)!”  
“Ben!”  
You rushed into his now open arms, happy tears bubbling in the corners of your eyes, you were so happy you couldn't help the sob that escaped you as your pressed your face into his chest.  
He held you close, he didn't think he could let you go again after this.

After your reunion you and Ben spent every waking minute you could together, he held your hand so tight sometimes it was like he was afraid you'd disappear.

Ben hadn't realized how much he'd missed your laugh, your snarkiness, and your teasing until he heard it again rather than reading it on paper.  
You weren't exactly the same, you'd changed some, you involved yourself in theatre as he'd previously seen, you neglected to mention due to embarrassment, you didn't think you were very good at it but Ben would love to see you in anything.  
You were still quite popular in town he noticed, but for different reasons, you were beautiful and Ben wasn't the only one who thought so. He felt pangs of jealousy as others greeted you with intention, he pulled you close and shot them glares as to say  
‘This is my territory, step off.’

You noticed Ben's jealousy, his arm wound around you, it would have bothered you with anyone else but it flattered you with Ben. He was giving you mixed signals, he'd still never mentioned the kiss which convinced you he had no feelings towards you, but as your saw the leather rope of the necklace you made peeking up from beneath his collar, and the way he insisted on staying by your side gave you hope for your feelings for him. Even after all this time apart your feelings had gone unchanged, your heart would always have a place for him and no one else.

Ben's birthday was coming up soon, you'd bought him a book he'd asked for and a journal so he could take down his thoughts, you knew he couldn't tell you everything so hopefully he could at least tell this bound paper how he really felt.  
You'd only been reunited for a few days and they seemed to go by much too fast, your heart ached at the thought of being without Ben solo again.  
You were walking home from making your purchases when Noah approached you.  
You knew Noah from school, he was a sweet boy, quite handsome, soft brown hair and amber eyes, boys and girls alike adored him in your classes.  
You'd admit he was attractive, but he wasn't Ben so you didn't really reciprocate when it came to him taking a fancy to you.  
“Hey (Y/n), lovely seeing you today.”  
You smiled, deciding to be polite, he never pushed you with his advances so you both usually stood on a friendly ground.  
You laughed as he told you of a mutual friends escapades, he walked you to the gate of your home and you bid him farewell as you noticed someone on your porch.  
Ben looked grave as you approached him, you felt worried as he looked down at you.  
“So is that why you told me I couldn't come with you?”  
You tried to laugh it off, but you could tell he was irritated  
“I was buying your present Solo, don't be so childish.”  
He followed you into the house, your mother was away visiting your aunt and wouldn't be back until after Ben was gone.  
Your own thought struck a nerve, you tried to will it away by heading to your bedroom, Ben follows again.  
“So who is he?”  
“Who?”  
“The boy you seemed to be having a marvelous time with before you knew I was here.”  
You felt his irritation spreading to you as he took up a mocking tone  
“Noah's just a friend Ben.”  
“Just a friend like me or something else?”  
You were confused, Ben had never been this jealous of anyone involving you before, he was acting like a spoiled kid.  
“Ben would you stop? I can have friends, you know I missed you but that doesn't mean you can be upset because I didn't isolate myself waiting for you to come home!”  
He bared his teeth and his eyebrows knit together in frustration at the accusation  
“What happened to no one can replace me?!”  
You sighed in exasperation  
“I'm not replacing you Ben.”  
“Well that's not what it looked like.”  
Your eyes trailed to the ground, Ben has a really low self esteem, he had since you were children, he never felt he was worth your friendship, you could see it in his letters but seeing him pop off in person told you it had worsened as you grew older. You tried to change the subject.  
“Are you excited about your party tomorrow? 17, pretty close to legal freedom there Solo.”  
“And closer to leaving again.”  
You visibly drooped at this statement, it was like he was trying to hurt you.  
“Yeah..”  
“Don't worry too much about it, I know you'll be back with your friends as soon as I'm gone, it's easier to be social without me clinging to you, it'll be like I was never here.”  
“Ben you know that's not what I want.”  
“Well why wouldn't you!? It seems like life has gone on just fine without me around for all of you!”  
You rushed to him with tears in your eyes, so it wasn't just you that had spurred this mood on, you wanted to fix it but you didn't know how.  
“Ben I miss you every day you're not here, I write you all the time, who's putting these ideas in your head that I don't want you around!?”  
Ben pushed you away in frustration, you fell to the floor and sobbed, what happened to the boy you'd grown up with, the one you'd fallen for?

Ben felt disgusted with himself as he fled from your home, he knew exactly who was feeding ideas into his head  
**_“Why would they ever want you? They're getting in the way of your true potential.”_**  
“Shut up and leave me alone.”  
He walked home in a rage, it came off him in waves, a window shattered nearby alerting him of what his anger was doing to his surroundings.  
“ _ **N** ** _othing_ could stop you if you just let them go**_.”  
It was tempting sometimes, to cut all ties and be unknown to the galaxy, but he would not be able to allow himself to hand over his will to what was probably his own fucked off mental state. He remembered you tear streaked face as you laid at his feet, a heavy weight developed in his stomach as he made the rest of the trek to his home, sometimes he wished his thoughts would come true and you would leave him.  
You'd be better off even if it broke his heart. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I didn't update last week so here's a longer chapter to compensate, ended it on a angst note because I'm terrible lol


	5. Rushed hands and Voices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some things come together and others start down a path to falling apart

  
The next night you came to Ben's home for his birthday celebration, everything was tense, and it wasn't just his parents having to make nice for the night.  
You wouldn't look him in the eye the whole night, the candles were blown out, presents were opened, and you were closed off, Happy 17th to him. Eventually the adults all began to talk, some went home, the night grew quiet as he dragged you to his room.  
“(Y/n), look at me.”

You wouldn't look at Ben, you couldn't, your heart felt so close to breaking you just couldn't let him hurt you, not when he was going to leave you again.  
“(Y/n) please.”  
He took ahold of your shoulders, you shrugged him off and scoffed  
“I'm sorry about yesterday, please hear me out.”  
“Why should I? You've never been like that towards me before Ben, you left me crying in my own house wondering what I could have done wrong.”  
He struggled under your gaze, his tongue felt dry as he responded  
“I never meant to hurt you.”  
“But you did Ben! It doesn't matter what you meant to do, you hurt me.”  
The room grew uncomfortably quiet, he didn't know what to say, he could see the pain in your eyes, you were genuinely angry at him, it was an unfamiliar sensation and he didn't know how to deal with it.  
“I don't even know who you are anymore Ben.”  
Ben's chest tightened, he never thought he'd see the day where you turned your back on him.

You wiped your watery eyes and tried to leave but Ben grabbed your wrist.  
“Please don't leave me.”  
“Let me go Ben.”  
“I didn't mean to get so mad yesterday I just-”  
You yanked your wrist away, your cheeks flared red with anger  
“You just what Ben?”  
“I couldn't stand seeing you with someone like that!”  
You were confused as he went on  
“You two looked perfect together, ever since we were kids people have questioned why we were friends, and I just saw you two together and it was like it was meant to be.”  
You bared your teeth in frustration  
“Ben I've never cared if people thought we should be friends or not, I decide who my friends are and I always chose you, I've always wanted you by my side.”  
His eyes trailed to the ground, it was true, even right now you loved Ben and you wouldn't trade him for anyone on Naboo, even if he hurt you he was still your first love.  
“I'm just having a hard time after all these years understanding how someone like you could still want someone like me.”  
Hot tears clung to your cheeks, it felt like no matter what you did he'd always feel lesser, he couldn't see how much you cared and you felt like you were going to burst, you couldn't help but let it slip out in your frustration.  
“Maybe it's because I love you! I'll always want you even if you don't think I should!”  
You'd never thought you'd tell him this way, in the dark of his room in the middle of what was supposed to be a happy birthday, but instead you began crying into your hands the heat of your face and the dampness of your tears making you feel gross.

Ben was shocked by your confession, he always thought he'd be the one confessing and getting rejected, but here you were revealing your feelings and he wanted to whoop for joy, what should have been one of the best moments of his young life was brought on by him causing you to cry, way to go Solo.  
“(Y/n).”  
You kept crying  
“(Y/n).”  
He took your hands away from your teary eyes, he almost laughed, you were an ugly crier, but it just reminded him you were still the same (Y/n) he'd left all that time ago, the one he loved.  
You sniffed as you looked up at him and he cupped your face in his large hands  
“I love you too, please stop crying.”  
Your eyes went wide and you pressed your lips against his, Ben was surprised at your boldness at first but quickly tried to match it, you both were eager as you’d been waiting for what felt like forever for this moment, the kiss grew more heated as you went on, rushed hands undid buttons and shrugged off shirts as he laid you down on his bedroom floor.  
He had wanted to kiss you for a long time, as he got older though his thoughts had went far past kissing, all this time without you and now feeling your touch, how hotly you were pressed against him, he couldn't help himself and you let him do as he wished. He took you then and there in his room, quiet and fast as not to alert his family.  
Neither of you had done anything like that before, you felt thrilled that Ben was your first, it was rushed but he was gentle as he kissed your neck and whispered in your ear as you made an attempt to redress. You were both content with what you had done, even if it would only make it that much harder for Ben to take off without you again.  
_______  
Ben did leave again, he had no choice, but you still wrote, but now in a different context. Ben felt more confident than he had in years, training was a breeze, people still picked on him but his brooding silence began to come with dry whit in response to their teasing.  
It looked silly when you called him your boyfriend, Ben always thought that kind of thing was dumb, but when he read it in your handwriting he warmed up to it, it was how you'd refer to him to others, that way they'd know that not only that you were his, but claiming him as yours and that was the best part in his mind.  
He didn't tell you these things of course, he was still Ben after all, he still had a hard time expressing how he truly felt unless it was rushed and passionate.  
Sometimes he'd try in letters, he could always get some of himself onto paper because paper couldn't judge him, he'd been afraid the first time he'd sent you a poem but you'd loved it and begged for another, you always gushed about them in response about how beautiful they were and how much you loved how he took the time to write them for you, it always put a smile on his face.  
Another thing had developed in your letters, you both talked of running away together, somewhere far away where no one knew he was a soon to be Jedi and you were a normal couple. You'd be a sweet and loveable florist, the planet you left to would welcome you and your lover Ben even if he was a little off putting.  
He knew enough about ships from his dad he could probably make some sort of living off it, you'd have a cozy little home to share with all your favorite plants around and he'd have a shelf to himself for his books and maybe his journals, maybe you two would even have friends. He daydreamed about it all the time, if he could just finish training, he'd take you anywhere in the galaxy, he'd make you happy.  
He was writing you in a more secluded part of the temple, it was open to the outside, the breeze smelt sweet and he felt what was becoming a rare feeling of calm.  
He didn't tell you, but even with his increased confidence, it seemed to just bring out the voice of Snoke in his head more, trying to tell him he could always feel this way even without you, other times he would try to use you against him, saying if he just listened he could rule the galaxy and truly give you anything you desired.  
Those times were the most tempting.  
His anger was getting the best of him more and more as of late, his uncle had chastised him multiple times, even dismissing him from his lessons early today.  
He paused his writing as he heard footsteps coming behind him.  
“Aww look at Solo, you writing another love letter?”  
Ben grit his teeth, an offhand comment from his uncle asking about you had alerted all of his classmates that he wrote someone who wasn't family, so of course they had to tease him about that too. Thank god Luke didn't know you two were together, it would be frowned upon, especially your shared fantasy, but the other padawans insisted he was always writing love notes whenever he had a pencil in his hand.  
They weren't wrong but they didn't have to rub his nose in it.  
He grit his teeth as a few padawans gathered to bother him.  
“Let us see it Ben, were all curious about your secret love affair.”  
“Leave him alone Naraji, you remember what master Luke said.”  
Naraji continued to circle Ben like prey, he glared at her, she was better at hiding it than the others but she too was put off by him, but this did not deter her from her pursuits to humiliate him. She wanted to be the best student but she always fell short to Ben, she could be quick and controlled like a snake poised to strike but she always let her emotions get in the way of her task, Ben detested her just as much if not more as she did him.  
“I'm not doing anything, I'm just inquiring if Ben here is writing another one of his sappy sonnets.”  
Before he could say anything, she made her move and snatched the letter and cackled as she read a line  
“(Y/n) I dreamt of you last night, I miss the curve of your lips- bleh! Where do you even get this stuff?”  
Ben felt like his blood was boiling hot as she showed off in front of her friends, she was unaware of what they sensed as Ben stood from where he was sitting, his anger burned white hot, he could feel it in the back of his head as if it was running down his spine.  
_**“Use it.”**_  
He shook his head as Snoke tried to interfere.  
“Give it back Naraji.”  
“Or what you'll tell your uncle on me?”  
“I’ll do something.”  
Ben's voice didn't sound like his own, it was smooth and cold, he felt unsure of himself, something was surging within him, something he always thought of but never enacted.  
“Listen to this guy, ‘I’ll-h-hg..”  
He Imagined the force like a large firm tendril choking the life out of his tormentor, her friends would be next, he was stronger than all of them and they dare try to bully him?  
“Stop, you'll kill her!”  
The younger voice broke him from his trance, he let her go instantly, horrified with what he'd done as she fell limp to the ground coughing and crying. He had just force choked someone, he'd let his anger fuel him, this was the act of a Sith, not a Jedi.  
He felt like a completely different person in that moment, he felt powerful, like no one could touch this side of himself. As he watched the padawans run away in fear, he realized that it almost felt good to be feared for once, he felt so insecure about people being afraid of him but he realized in this moment as he felt the force coursing through him in a way it had never before, that this fear was power.  
“ _ **Good, now you can really start listening**_.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all knew this was gonna have to happen at some point, Ben will become more sparse after the next chapter or two


	6. Flowers and Sorrow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is new beginnings, but is this truly the end?

  
You felt amazing the past year, you and Ben had exchanged many letters, you even kept them in a special box under your bed. He had such a way with words you'd find yourself reading them again just to feel that rush of your heart fluttering.  
Ben wasn't exactly one for romance, he was still Ben solo after all, shy and always holding in how he truly felt. But he'd always send you a sweet word or two, telling you he missed you and that's all that really mattered to you.  
As of recently Ben's letters grew shorter and shorter, he hadn't sent you one at all this month and you began to worry, but what could you do? He was planet's away, you could only wait and hope your patience would be rewarded.

Ben's chest heaved with heavy breaths, drowning out screams as he smelt the burning of his victim's corpse.  
The knights were working their way through his classmates, they tried to run, wails echoed through the temple, begging for mercy, crying out for family in their final moments of agony.  
He almost felt remorseful as it all flooded into his ears, but he took power from their pain and fear, he pushed on, trying to numb himself to his surroundings.  
A stubborn part of him still spoke, what would you think of this? seeing him him cutting down children with a masked gang of force sensitives, he was sure you'd be horrified, disgusted, every loving thought of him would be wiped from your mind replaced with disdain.  
**_“Don't dwell on these things.”_ **  
He nodded hearing the old voice in his mind, brushing you from his thoughts, there was only this now, his path to his new life.  
He'd been keeping more secrets from you than ever, over this year his new master, Snoke, helped him understand the dark side, it called to him and he would soon answer, his uncle couldn't stop him and the Knights, nothing could.  
Small speckles of blood clung to his lightsabers hilt and his fingers, wounds instantly cauterized with the hot blade but some mess would be left behind.  
The blue glow of his saber mocked him, the color was typical for young Jedi, they didn't quite understand the dark yet, they were too good and pure hearted at that age to truly be apart of it if they weren't born into it.  
He remembered how excited he had been when he first built it, the hum of the blade as it shot to life had him in awe for days each time he turned it on.  
It was nothing but a tool now, once he completed his task it would be destroyed, the last trace of his past before he'd go on to train with Snoke and the Knights, he'd construct a more suitable saber then. This all felt so startling, even if he had been preparing for it for so long, all the death around him was hard to process, he wanted to prove himself and truly dedicate himself to the dark side but he'd never killed before, now it felt like he couldn't stop.  
He could feel Ben Solo dying along with the other padawans, he swallowed accepting the notion, Ben died today and he would take the past with him.  
The body he left behind would be repurposed as a new entity, born In the wake of destruction.   
That's how it had to be, it what Snoke wanted, he'd taught him to build off his passions, the only way to truly change himself was to destroy himself.

The Knights gathered, rain was pouring as he took in their work, they were cold but welcomed him as a student of Snoke, they would take him where he'd instructed and there he would train to become a Sith Lord. As they lead him to their ship you flashed in his mind one more time, he hoped you'd understand in some way, he'd never take you away to some far off planet, you'd never get to hide away from the world together, he didn't know if youd even ever cross paths again. Once the news broke he knew you'd surely hate him for the atrocity he had just committed, you'd never want to see him again.    
The thought was almost comforting, it'd be easier for both of you this way.

You'd been in your garden when Leia came to you, you greeted her joyfully, you always loved when she visited you, she was basically your second mother at this point so of course her visiting didn't seem odd.  
But her face was lined with sorrow, a million scenarios raced through your mind as she sat with you amongst your peonies, an old earth flower brought to Naboo, she grasped your hands and began to tell you what had happened.  
Ben had been killed along with the other padawans, Luke was nowhere to be found but his last transmission informed Leia of the events, then he was gone.  
The dark side was trying to eradicate the Jedi, that's why Ben had been killed with his classmates, she tried to comfort you but you felt this pain deep in your core, you felt like you'd die yourself knowing your best friend was gone.  
Your love was struck down purely for learning the ways of the force, you'd never see him again and you'd never felt so angry and cheated in your life.

Leia felt horrible for lying to you, she watched you sob as she smoothed your hair, joining in as her pained tears streaked her cheeks, she was doing this to protect you. She knew how much you loved her son and she'd rather you mourn his death and remember him for all the good he'd done, as your friend, as the Ben solo she'd raised and loved rather than as a killer.  
She wished she could do the same.

You cried for what felt like weeks, drying yourself out and sobbing your throat raw. Your mother was worried but you were in mourning and nothing could be done, the pain would fade eventually, at least she hoped so. You felt like you'd never be okay again, you were angry with the world, angry with yourself like there was something you could have done but you just couldn't think what. This once again brought you to tears for what felt like the millionth time. 

  
It took you a long time to adjust to Ben's death, you weren't sure you were okay but you weren't completely wrecked like you once were.You planted a patch of milla flowers for him in your garden in remembrance, you still held Ben in your heart but you knew he'd be disappointed in you if you squandered your life using his death as a crutch, so you'd have to do your best to move on.  
You looked to the stars, heart still heavy with remnants of grief, but hoped he could hear you wherever his soul may be.  
“I love you, I hope you knew that then, I miss you and I always will.”  
You swallowed the lump in your throat, this was your goodbye to him, you tears shed amongst your flowers, you'd go on for him, you'd live the life you planned together the best you could.  
It's all you could really do, wasn't it? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is that all that can really be done? Who knows. 
> 
> Sorry I didn't update for so long guys! I really wanted to have a steady schedule with this one but I recently got a job so I'm still getting into the swing of things but I'll try to stay more on track
> 
> Hope you enjoy, next chapter should be out next Sunday! 
> 
> Ps, the young Jedi killer concept art was in my mind when I was writing this so take a look: https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/cd/f2/f8/cdf2f88d6f8fd27b50f025f6cd59f472.jpg


	7. Overwhelmed Stranger and a Name

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Change comes in different ways for both of you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter before a larger time skip

It’d been about a year after Ben’s sudden death and you were still trying to cope. You’d throw yourself into anything you could get your hands to get your mind off it, overwhelming yourself with your studies, work, and even what was supposed to be your soothing hobby public theatre was stressing you out.  
Everyone told you to slow down, you didn’t have to live life a mile a minute but they didn’t understand, when you stopped you were alone with your thoughts, and when you were alone, you only thought of him.  
The way his hair used to brush behind his ears, his crooked smile, the soft brown of his eyes, god it even felt like each beauty mark on his face was engraved in your mind, it felt like you couldn’t escape the torment of the fact that he was gone, there wasn’t even a body to bury and sometimes that’s what hurts the most. So you studied far ahead of your classmates, took as many shifts as your schedule would allow, and memorized lines like a maniac trying to be anyone but yourself right now.  
Your mother tended to your garden but not as well as you could, your flowers and plants were not as lively as they’d once been, but you just couldn’t find joy in it anymore, you didn’t want to say Ben had been your whole world and now you were too weak without him, but losing someone you’d been so close with basically more than half your life nothing felt the same, you didn’t feel the same.  
Every time you looked in the mirror it felt hard to recognize who was there, you’d cut your hair, your mother said it symbolized letting go and starting anew, but it just felt like you turned yourself into a stranger.  
Maybe that’s who you were, for now, you’d have to get to know yourself again.  
You looked at yourself now as you thought this, a pail of water you were washing your kitchen floor with, brushing your fingers over your hair, maybe you needed to face this, you weren’t only hiding from your thoughts of Ben, you were hiding from yourself. Times were changing, you couldn’t ignore how you felt or you really would drive yourself mad.  
You dunked your scrub brush in the sudsy water and went back to cleaning your tiles but decided it was time to take a break from everything and find yourself again.

  
He felt cold rain soaking his clothes, his tender bruises were padded against as he was thrown into a rock by his opponent.  
He was almost a year into training, his master was watching him, he wanted to impress Snoke and show him what he could really do with his teachings, but as he felt his feet swept from under him once again he almost lost confidence in himself.  
 _ **“Don’t be foolish, don’t succumb to insecurity, use your frustration. ”**_   
His anger had never been encouraged his whole life, it felt as if everyone had tried to cage it, bury it under the soft shy ways of Ben, but he’d killed him that day and he wouldn’t allow that boy's faults to follow him into this new life. He channeled his frustration and was able to push his attacker away with barely a shrug of his shoulder, throwing them into a stone wall, he felt like an animal, only wanting to go in for the kill, his saber sizzled and crackled as it usually did, aggravated alongside him as the rain touched its hot light.  
 **“Go ahead, don’t show just me, show them.”**   
He knew the Knights watched from a high cliff above, their current leader in his clutches, this was a make or break moment, it was killed or be killed.  
And he would not be killed.  
Usually he would use his hands to guide his use of the force but he decided to show off, using only his mind to find direction he pulled the soon to be ex-Knight in the air by the throat, they dangled and struggled, trying to deflect him, but he pushed back much stronger than they were, he was always stronger. His hair curtained around him, black and icy as chilled winds blew more sharp rain in his face.  
He looked into the Knight's mind, learning what he could about what lead them to be a leader, what he’d do better, they choked, likely trying to say something, he’d allow them last words. He loosened his hold on their throat, still holding them  
“Speak your last words and make it fast, I’m growing impatient with this weather.”  
They pointed the visor of their mask towards him  
“You may win today boy, but I’ve sensed since day one you’re strong in the force but I know, you’re weak in ways that will destroy you and our cause someday.”  
He felt his jaw tighten  
“What does it matter what you think you know? You’re already dead.”  
He felt himself violently thrust his lightsaber into the chest of the Knight, their body fell and he would have continued mutilating their corpse with pleasure but he had to be dignified, they were all watching, even if he won if he acted like a child he could not be respected by them.  
He decided he’d bundle it all in one last blow, slicing the corpse's head from its shoulders as it lay on the ground, the head rolled slightly away and he placed his foot upon it, placing as much weight as he could to crack the helmet's visor.  
 _ **“Now what is to be done with him?”**_  
He tried to think, something that would destroy him but give him something to remember this kill by…  
“I’ll burn him, and keep his ashes.”  
 _ **“Suiting, you know what comes now.”**_   
He did, and his stomach clenched at the thought.  
He’d rejoin the knights and be given a new name, after so long being called just boy or nothing at all he was excited, almost giddy like a child would have been, but he did not show it on his face or emit it in his thoughts, hoping to keep a shred of stoicism throughout it.  
His master usually only contacted them all via the mind but he was actually here as they all gathered in a now lit cave. After a year of training, his 18-year-old body felt older, stronger, he wasn't some gangly limbed freak liked he’d once been called, he was finally growing into and building upon himself, no one would mock him if they saw him now.  
 _“Don’t let people get to you, Ben.”_  
He clenched his teeth as he heard you in a fleeting memory, he was doing so well, he hadn’t thought of you once in some time but of course, when he thought of how he was changing you’d always have to invade his mind. You’d support him no matter what he told you or people thought of him, maybe you would have supported this, maybe even been proud?  
‘Shut up’ he thought to himself, he couldn’t dwell on such things, he was a killer and you could never be proud of this moment for him, you were home and safe probably forgetting all about him after what he’d done, why should he let himself he hung up on you.  
‘Because you still love them’  
He didn’t want to think that, he couldn’t let himself, he wouldn’t allow you to follow him into this new life either.

“You’ve trained and shown me great progress boy, what took the last leader of the Knights almost three cycles you’ve completed in one.”  
He tried not to let any pride show through as Snoke spoke to him, he couldn’t become satisfied with his progress otherwise he’d lose motivation, this was only a stepping stone to something greater.  
“You’ve earned your place as a leader but you will continue to train as the rest do, you will join the ranks of the First Order as I’ve planned for you, do you understand?”  
He was still unsure how he would adjust to having to work alongside military personnel but he nodded  
“Of course Supreme leader.”  
He nodded, a large sigh coming from his throat as he gave the boy another once over  
“As you have earned the right to lead you have now earned a new name as every other Knight of Ren has.”  
He gulped, his throat dry as one of the Knights came to his side and handed him something wrapped in a black rucksack esque fabric. He separated them to reveal a cowl and helmet.  
“From now on you will be known as Kylo Ren, leader of the Knights of Ren, and one day a commander of the First Order.”  
He threw the cowl over his shoulders, and looked at his reflection in the helmet's visor, feeling it’s chrome detailing with his fingertips, he looked older, less scared as he said his name to himself, it felt good, this is where he belonged and maybe always had.  
His heart dropped at the notion as he remembered something he still hadn’t quite let go.

_He’d been just 12 and the bullying and his parents had all just become too much, the voices in his head just wouldn’t let him rest he was so tired and angry he found himself yelling as you tried to console him_   
_“What do you know! Your life is perfect, everyone wants you here and I don’t belong anywhere!”_   
_You’d only held him close as he shook under your small hands_   
_“I think you belong here, I’ll always want you here with me Ben.”_   
_He hadn’t known what to say, so he just hugged you back, feeling accepted even if it was only by one._

He shook his head as if to break the memory away, this felt different as the Knights each took a knee before him, welcoming and accepting him as their leader.  
As he slipped on the helmet, he understood this was not the same belonging as the words of a naive child had once brought him, no, this was a powerful acceptance.  
He was no longer nameless, he could now truly start his journey to rule the galaxy, he was a new man.  
He was Kylo Ren.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long time no see, hoping to get this story rolling again and maybe even finished, hope you enjoyed this short chapter


	8. Revelations and Indulgence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where does time take a person when they still haven’t washed the taste of grief from their tongue

 

It’d been years and you’d come to terms with living a life without Ben Solo.  
Leia and you helped one another through the loss, she went on to become a general of the new era of the Resistance, while you still remained on Naboo living the simple life of a student and cantina worker. You wanted to say you’d retained the sweetness everyone used to know you for, but you could hear the bitterness when you spoke in your voice at times, you’d once thought life was nothing but a jubilant gift but as time passed after Ben you couldn’t help but notice how dark it had become. You learned you didn’t have to put on a front, most people knew when it was bullshit anyway, you weren’t bubbly like you once had been but you were still kind where it counts.  
The First Order was everywhere, enslaving and massacring the galaxy all in the name of “order” the Resistance was doing their best but openly supporting them could get you killed so they were having a harder and harder time recruiting. Places you’d once played as a child became shady and empty and your hometown no longer safe, once like a rural paradise seemed like a ghost of what it used to be.

You sighed, cleaning up the mess of a rowdier group of patrons, the cantina wasn’t your first choice for work but not many places hired students for pay this high and you needed to help your mother pay the bills somehow as she’d begun to show her age and probably could not work much longer. The smell of the alcohol hit your nose as you tried to clear broken glass from the table, a conversation caught your interest from the adjacent booth.  
“..Kylo ren, he’s basically the face of the First Order.”  
“I heard he was the one who destroyed Luke Skywalker’s Jedi school all that time ago.”  
“You can’t be serious.”  
You ceased wiping down the surface as you heard this accusation, your body felt numb as your task now felt impossible, you listened intently.  
“He leads those knights because he’s ruthless like that, no mercy for anyone, even members of the First Order.”  
“So he’s who they used to call Jedi killer?”  
“I guess, that’s why I don’t think to join either side is good because either way that guys eventually gonna get you.”  
They erupted in laughter and your palms angrily pressed against the table, a glass shard stuck into your tense flesh and you yelped as you were pulled from your angered thoughts  
‘He killed Ben’  
It was a rumor but who else would kill young padawans? Some other group dressed in all black who had a score to settle with the Jedi? It didn’t seem likely. Your once tender heart told you-you shouldn’t dwell on it, not to be irrational over a healed wound, but it felt like that wound would never truly heal only reopen until you had something to truly seal it off.  
Vengeance.

You were at home trying to figure out what paperwork you’d have to fill out, scheduling a physical and everything on your holo-pad so you could apply to train for the Resistance. You’d ask Leia for more information later but you knew it’d be unlikely she’d deny you, they needed young healthy people to join the fight and you were both those things.  
You look at a digital pamphlet and a memory once nostalgic comes to mind.

_You and Ben had been very young and one day convinced your older brother, Jonas, as you did many times to play soldiers, Ben liked to pretend to be a big shot hero, you liked to play medic and tend to his “wounds” and you both knew your brother would make a wonderful general with the big serious voice he did for the part. Your brother had been learning about the old republic in school around that time and told you of things like the Resistance, Ben had seemed uncomfortable and decided he didn’t want to play anymore._   
_You’d trailed after him, confused on what could have upset him, didn’t his mother lead the old republic to victory with her brother and his father? It seemed like something he’d be proud of as it seemed people still praised them constantly for it._   
_“Ben what’s wrong.”_   
_“I just don’t want to play soldiers anymore, it’s stupid.”_   
_“You love soldiers you always badger me to play it.”_   
_“Well maybe I’m tired of it, we’re too old for it anyway.”_   
_You didn’t know what to say, you wanted to comfort him but you just didn’t know what he needed from you, so you just gave him a hug, a child’s best offering of comfort you supposed._   
_“I don’t know what’s wrong but it’s okay.”_   
_He sighed into you_   
_“Promise me we'll never be apart of some stupid war like that.”_   
_You were confused by the request, the galaxy had been relatively quiet at least that’s what your mom would always say, but maybe Ben was scared you two would one day be mixed up in something like his parents had once been, Jonas once told you they lost a lot of friends to their cause and maybe he feared the same thing for the both of you._   
_“Okay, I promise.”_

You swallowed a lump in your throat, blinking away the glossiness in your eyes, Ben would be upset at you doing something like this, but on the other hand, you wouldn’t even be considering this if some stupid helmet wearing coward hadn’t cut him down before his life had really begun. You’d feel guilty about an old promise after you got your closure.  
You’d feel better after you watched the First Order turned to ash and you had the Jedi killers head on a spike.

  
Kylo slashed a training droid in half, anger wracking through his body and he was releasing it the only way he knew how, with violence.  
He was barely out of breath but bored as his hands were slick with oil from the inside of the droid, he’d have to request a higher skill level once again because this model wasn’t doing it for him anymore. He’d been having a stressful week, he had an audience with the supreme leader later in the cycle, and he sensed something unsavory in the force approaching him.  
General Hux strode into the training room, Kylo felt a bitter taste develop on his dry tongue, he never liked the man not since he first came aboard the ship. Hux had been promoted from lieutenant general to general shortly before Kylo first arrived and he was still high off the promotion after all this time.  
“Commander Ren.”  
He didn’t turn to him, smirking as he sensed the man’s frustration as he continued to wipe his hands and saber with a towel, pretending as if Hux wasn’t there.  
“May I remind you as a commander you must at the very least make an effort to attend meetings.”  
“I came to a few didn't I?”  
“Once in a lunar cycle doesn’t count Ren, I don’t care if you’re just some glorified killer, you will participate as your position calls for or I will report you to the Supreme Leader.”  
Kylo ground his teeth, that weasley snitch got such a kick out of making Kylo look bad he swore he got off on it.  
“Oh, whatever shall I do, if I don’t comply you’ll tattle on me?”  
“I’m not going to let a child like you stomp around here destroying my ship and ignoring your responsibilities, this is a military operation Commander, and you’re apart of it whether we like it or not.”  
He glared as Hux called him a child, they were the same age and he pretended to forget. Kylo strode toward the red-headed nuisance, there was a flash of uneasiness in his eyes as he towered over him but it was immediately snuffed out, leaving only glacier blue irises full of nothing but contempt for unpredictable force user he had no choice but to work with.  
“Let me be clear General, I do not respond well to threats.”  
“I don’t think you respond well to anything, but threats seem to work just fine when it comes to getting you to do your job Commander.”  
Ren wanted to crush him, but the Supreme leader had already warned him, he was not to kill Hux, despite his distaste for him, Hux was still useful in Snoke’s eyes. Kylo growled in the back of his throat and threw a weight wrack across the room with the force as to relieve his pooling frustration, Hux seemed unphased by the momentary tantrum.  
“Fine General” Kylo huffed “I will attend your superfluous meetings.”  
Hux didn’t seem satisfied  
“I want more than that, you still haven’t completed your mission report.”  
Kylo reached for his saber and Hux took a step back, deciding to let that one go.  
“I expect to see you and the captain tomorrow then, its scheduled on your datapad.”  
Kylo only nodded  
“Good day Commander.”  
Kylo did not bother to reply.

Kylo laid awake later that night, he never truly slept well, constant insomnia plagued him so this was a normal occurrence. He stared into the blackness of the dark, trying to quiet his mind hoping for sleep to sneak up on him but he sensed something in the force, something was wrong but as powerful as he was he couldn’t quite place what it could be. His mother flashed in his mind, he knew she was a General she could be injured, but as he reached out for her he found nothing different from her signature, his mind went briefly to his father but he couldn’t find him and he didn’t really care, he was always in danger being himself, Kylo hadn’t cared since he was 14 to check up on him. Your name almost came to mind but he stopped himself, it was a personal rule of his not to bring it up or his mind would run wild, your name was just as dead as his own.  
He still remembered your face, it’d been many years but he still remembered you as 16 and captivating, he wondered about you now. He tried to move on but he wasn’t exactly the best at socializing, people feared him and he didn’t really have the patience for others when he was busy trying to rule the galaxy. He didn't truly have time for such attachments, but he’d still found himself having encounters every now and again.  
He remembered how quietly you’d moaned for him on his 17th birthday, how easily your clothes had slipped from your body. Kylo cursed himself and pushed the thought away, still reminiscing about a long-dead adolescent love affair, he found it pathetic, something he shouldn’t be doing.  
He shouldn’t be thinking of any of you at all, it made him sick but he couldn’t quite cut those ties as hard as he did try, he was weak and it infuriated him. He’d already slipped down this low, a little further would be no different. He sighed as he looked for you, he hadn’t checked on you in some time, years, in fact, it was harder to find you, you were much farther away than he expected.  
You must have left Naboo.  
His heart sank and his anxiety rose, he had a thousand concerns but he decided enough was enough, he’d indulged himself but he had to be disciplined, he slipped away, turning to get more comfortable in his bed and tried to empty his mind. Everything was silent and he felt a bit calmer, but one question kept bridging up in mind.  
Where had you gone?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took forever to write because I had major blocks with this story especially after having to change elements after viewing the last Jedi....
> 
> I’m going to ignore some canon in the last Jedi as I assume a lot of us did :/  
> Also finally introduced Hux so that’s kinda cool I guess

**Author's Note:**

> For chapter one I always thought of this picture for when they were playing cards 
> 
> http://lifesizejosuke.tumblr.com/post/147855517110/lando-teaching-this-6-year-old-how-to-play-cards


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